A lot of my life has been spent in the service of others, and I still believe in my heart this is my ultimate purpose. The only thing I have noticed, is I have somewhat lost myself in the pursuit of helping others. It feels like as I try and find “who I really am” away from other people, I discover quite an array of deep emotions, some really ugly ones that actually scare me, and some powerfully freeing ones also.

For example: just the thought of living my life not caring what others think of me. That is hard. And I have heard from a lot of my women friends that this is an issue with them too. Not so much for men, but it seems to be primarily women that stress about how others view them and how they are presenting themselves to the world.

We have to be good women, we have to be good mothers, good wives, good daughters, we have TO BE GOOD in all areas of our lives, all the time. There is very little room for failure or imperfection or even expression at times and when we show anything other than our “good side” people judge us very harshly (not to mention the shame we place upon ourselves)

I have in the past really struggled with this, however I am entering an era in life where I regularly try to ignore any thoughts that fuel this kind of insecurity. Such as: “but you could have said that better” or “maybe you should have just not said anything at all” or “is this really how my body looks in pictures?….or any kind of thought that brings me down.

Seems all kind of selfish sometimes, to pursue yourself, and just be unapologetically you. So much of my Christian upbringing has been dedicated to DENYING myself, to control my body, my speech, my thoughts, my emotions. And while I appreciate that we should be striving to be good people, who are examples of Jesus love and all the wonderful things…I still think Jesus sees all of me, the good and the bad and still loves me, so why shouldn’t I try and love myself too?

Nobody is just ONE thing, everyone of us has light and darkness inside of us and God knows about it all.

I am trying to be completely authentic with myself, the good and the bad. I am trying to allow all of me to exist and whoever is there with me will be there with me, and whoever leaves, I will let them go. I don’t want to compromise who I am to make others feel comfortable around me anymore. I want to be ok with people thinking whatever they want about me, because the true ones will really know me and that is enough for me.

I want to continue in my pursuit of being a good person, a true follower of Jesus who will lay down their life for anyone, even an enemy regardless of what they think of me.

Is this possible? Is this ok to want?…we will see in this new episode called 34.

Humbly,

M.